¨Trans women are just gay guys who couldn't cut it as homosexuals. They just run away and cut off their parts.¨

I cringed when he said that. That should have been the eye-opening sign for me to realize it wasn't going to work out, but nope - stayed with him for a year. I should have dumped him then and there and told him I'm a female, but I didn't; I stayed with him and never said a word. I said nothing even after we split in 2006.

He's the type of guy who is amazing when he lets those nice moments shine, but otherwise he is an ass. He's quick to talk shit about people that aren't a part of his circle and anytime he saw a drag queen or trans person in town; he took my depression as a sign that I was jealous of him and his current boyfriend and/or I wanted to get back with him. For someone who claims to not enjoy being in the spotlight, he sure did talk about himself and his fans an awful lot.

But yeah, I could never shake that saying out of my head. I guess I know he won't be my friend when I transition.

If I can pull it off, I think I'm going to be Zelda for Halloween. A friend of mine is going to be Link, so at least it'd be a group thing. Unfortunately, my inability to make something means I have no choice but to shop and hope I can find the right dress and clothing stuff so I look as close to Zelda as possible.

If I can't pull off Zelda, I'll be a cheerleader. And as a last ditch effort, I'll just go as myself if I can't pull that off either.

There's this girl in my dorm hall I've been hanging out with a lot. She's really cool, and we were suppose to hang out today but she decided to back out due to her monthly girly time. I can't even imagine how much that sucks; from what I've been told, it's clearly something I wish my female friends and family members didn't have to endure. It's one of the few things I'm glad I don't have to deal with.

Today I had to go to a specific area of the finance department on campus to see about getting my dorm payment extended; I'm able to pay the bulk, but the rest I have to wait for my paycheck from my shitty-paying work study job. I was scared to meet with the woman I had to talk to in that department. Not because I was in trouble or because she was a bitch, but because she's the only other person on campus that knows about me.

Luckily, the lady was super cool and didn't mention anything about knowing who I am; she only used my guy name when we talked, regardless of whether people were around. And it turns out she is a big zombie movie fan, so we had a lot to talk about. As I was heading out, she said it was good to finally put a face to the name.

I wasn't worried she would "out" me or anything, I just... it feels weird being around people who know I'm a girl; it makes me feel guilty; it makes me all the more aware of how I'm living a lie, and how much I hate that I'm still doing it. I always get the same feeling when I hang around my super cool boss, whom also happens to live next to my dorm room.

I'm thinking about dressing up for Halloween. However, I don't know if I should get an actual female costume, or if I should dress as myself - Emily - and pass that off as a costume. I figure it will be my only chance this semester to be myself.

What do you guys think?

 So I posted a blog on my last MySpace profile that everyone seemed to enjoy. It was a news article, which I found very enlightening, about a transgendered child named Jazz whose accepting parents allow her to live as a girl.

I was taking a break from studying and while browsing YouTube, I unintentionally stumbled across a quick clip of Jazz. I love how smart this little girl is. She's got more wits about her than what I've seen from some of the grown adults here in Texas.

Anyway, here is the clip:



And for those who never got to read the aforementioned article, I'm including a link to it here.

 I'M ALIVE!

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately. I've been stressed and busy as hell lately, but doing well. I have lots to update everyone on, and will do so in the next few days when I have a free moment.

Expect an update soon. I just started an entry that I expect to be rather lengthy, but I'm tired as shit and I've got to get up for work in the morning. So I'll just save it for later in the day.

( It's nothing graphic, but it's something you probably don't want to hear, lol. I thought it was kinda funny. )

So sue me, I thought it was kinda funny thinking back and realizing how long it's been.

And I found a local transgendered support group here in town. I talked to some of the members online yesterday and I'm really considering going in the next few weeks - dressed up even. I'll definitely keep everyone updated on how that goes.

I picked up Skate for the 360 last week and ended up not liking it. I returned it Friday for Devil May Cry 4, and this time I'm pleased with the purchase.

I think I'm going to stick with PS3 games once I get the system. The only time I may buy a 360 game is if it's an exclusive I want.

So yeah, I hope everyone had a good weekend!

My boss asked if he could read my copy of the Runaways vol. 2 trade. I went down to the car and got it, brought it back to the office and handed it to him - and he took the fucking thing in the restroom with him.

Ew. Absolutely ew.

I think my boss owes me a new trade, lol.

Had a decent weekend, though I could have done without the ex drama. I guess my brother was right last night when he said "They're called 'exs' for a reason."

I've been trying to keep this friendship going with him despite the crappy relationship we had that year we were together; we've been doing better as just friends. But his boyfriend is determined to be cool with all his friends, including me, so they try to invite me out to things. I'm okay with the ex, and his guy is nice and I can be cool with them, but I'm totally quiet and moody when it's all three of us hanging out - I'm straight up "rude" as my ex said on the phone last night, which in retrospect it is but I think I have just cause. I'm sorry but it's fucking weird and awkward. I got my DVDs back from him - all twelve of them - but my 30 Days of Night graphic novel seems to have "vanished." After I give him his stuff back, I'm done with this gay ass drama.

I'm glad I have these DVDs back in my collection:


Amelie
American History X
The Cube
Fargo
Fletch
Ghostbusters I & II
Hellraiser
Panic Room
Reincarnation
Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Spaceballs


Saw Diary of the Dead this weekend. And I'm sad to say I was unimpressed with Romero's new flick; I enjoyed Land of the Dead more than this one. While I know he's incapable of making a zombie flick without any sort of social commentary, it's usually subtley woven into the plot. But this one is rather heavy-handed and spelled out for you, so much so that in two or three different spots they stop the story and give the audience stock footage accompanied to narration. I say if you really want to see it, wait for DVD.

All of Saturday was spent hanging out with my friend, eating, chatting, and playing Call of Duty 4.

Sunday, well... that's when the ex drama went down.

All in all, with the exception of Sunday, it was a good weekend. :)

I'm still employed! :D
Out of my three bosses, I went to the one I get along with the most; he was a comic geek as a child so half the time our conversations revolve around comics as I try to catch him up on all the stuff he's missed over the years. He was pissy with me at first and said I let him down. I explained the situation to him, openly admitting it was a fuck up on my part and I didn't plan on it happening and it won't happen again; I told him I wanted to explain what happened just to him because I have more respect for him than the other 2 bosses. Eventually he chilled out and things went back to normal, and I had a good day. Until I got home.

I purchased 3 games last week from Gamestop when I bought the wireless adapter for my 360 so I can finally get back on: Dreamfall: The Longest Journey (Game of the Year edition packaged with the original, one of my favorite PC adventure games of all time), Naruto: Clash of the Ninja 2, and Skies of Arcadia. I FINALLY busted out SoA today only to find out it doesn't work, and the 7 day warranty has passed. ;__;

I owned the game and played it on the Sega Dreamcast when it first came out. It was an okay RPG, I didn't think it was amazing or anything. I knew it's been out for some time but I haven't been really clamoring for it like some of my fellow gamers. I just saw it there, the only copy, and decided I'd pick it up and take a stroll down memory lane. I'm more bummed by the waste of money than I am the inability to play it. Oh well.

So I had an interesting conversation yesterday with an online friend I met not too long ago through LJ. She's a fellow trans, and I started talking to her about my current situation, as well as my desire to escape it and the depression that has been eating at me for years; some of you know about the situation I speak of and some of you don't - it's a topic best saved for it's own entry, which I need to type up soon in the near future. Let's just say I'm tired of feeling this way and hiding, and to do that I need to be more open about who I am. In order to do that, though, I feel one thing I must do is move away from here and the family, which I'd like to accomplish in the next 6 months.

Anyway... I've got to hop off. I've only got so much time to squeeze in some reading and gaming before bedtime. I hope everyone had a good weekend!

So I've been neglecting my writing duties lately - not just on LJ, but with my "project." And of all the things to get me sidetracked, it's fucking Xbox Live. I've somehow allowed myself to become an Xbox junkie by playing Call of Duty 4. It seems lately every thought I have and everything I do revolves around that game somehow, lol.

I agreed to go see the new Rambo movie with my friends today; fuck it, they offered to pay for my ticket. I must say, it was rather enjoyable and not what I was expecting. The flick was incredibly gruesome, containing scenes with the most blood and guts spilled I've seen in a mainstream film since Saving Private Ryan. I'm also surprised it was directed by Sylvester Stallone (I heard he directed Rocky Balboa but I've never seen it), and I definitely see potential there as a director if he keeps at it.

I'm nervous as shit about this coming Monday. I was supposed to be at work Friday at my usual time, 8:30am, and didn't wake up until around 1:30pm. They left me two messages asking me where I was, and by the time I woke up and called back I couldn't reach anyone, not even an answering machine. So I'm curious as shit as to whether or not I'm still going to have a job waiting for me come Monday. :-/

All morning I was considering cutting out of work early today, figuring maybe I'd jet like around 1pm or 2pm and head home to spend my b-day with the family. Between the attorneys being dicks, the perpetual stack of paperwork that remains in my inbox, and the bitchy personnel lady in charge of the upcoming reviews that claims I just sit on my ass at work,  I opted to stay and bust ass at work all day today. The receptionist, Amanda, my fellow file clerk/secretary, Iris, and I all went out to meet up with some friends of mine for lunch, so that was fun.

Somehow I managed to amass a total of $375 over this birthday weekend; granted, a portion of that is the remaining amount of last weeks paycheck, but still... it's a nice feeling to not be flat-ass broke. I have half a mind to walk over to the Galleria Mall (across the street from the job) and buy some outfits, but I know what will happen after that. Instead, I'm just going to meet up with a friend and hit up Bedrock City, my favorite comic shop, for a comic fix and then head home. The rest I'll hold on to so I can get that shitty Beetle of mine reinsured, repaired, and inspected ASAP.

So I'll add more to this swanky little LJ account after I geek out at the comic shop and get back home.